I was in a car with a friend. We were talking about purpose and meaning and contentment and fullness and joy and passion and heart cry and how it relates to work.
It was a stimulating conversation at first, but halfway through the drive I found myself feeling exhausted and irritated. There were some other factors at play that had to do with energy and hunger levels, but the dialogue was losing ground for me fast.
It wasn't until several hours after our discussion ended and I had a moment to process my thoughts that I realized where the issue lay.
I am content.
The thought was like inhaling the freshest, cleanest air I had ever tasted, and it caught me completely off guard.
Rewind a little bit.
Several months before this conversation with my friend, I had a talk with another friend where they challenged me on my perception of contentment. I was(and am) working in a job that I didn't dream of doing when I was planning out my life. This was several months after starting that job.
Rewind some more.
Two weeks short of a year ago, I finished working somewhere that helped me discover my heart's cry and passion. It was amazing. I only left because we felt it was time to move to another town for various reasons.
Fast forward to the second friend.
I had become a little bitter and hugely frustrated: Right after discovering what I felt I was made to do, I found myself stuck in a job that didn't fit. It was(is) a good job, and I work for good people, but I wanted to be doing what I wanted to be doing.
My friend that challenged me on my lack of contentment said some very poignant words that stuck like glue. He told a story that ended with an angry, frustrated prayer which was followed by a striking response from God:
Is being with me not enough for you?
My friend said it wasn't at the time, but now he can honestly say it is.
I nodded, smiled, pretended this was a new revelation, but truthfully I(and probably you) have heard this kind of story many times before. Interpret how you will, but I felt like this was a concept I already understood: true contentment comes from being content in the present with what you have regardless of circumstance. As long as you are at peace with God, you are at peace with everything and everyone.
I thought I got it, until I got it.
I am content.
Nothing has changed. My circumstance still isn't everything my heart cries out for. There are things I desire to do with my skills and passions, and I'm working towards those when I have time.
But what do I have now? What do I have right here?
A wife(her eyes go deeper than the deepest wells). A daughter(her laugh and her smile obliterate all darkness). A roof over my head. A job that pays our bills. Friends. Family. A 10 month old that sleeps through the night(hallelujah!).
Don't get me wrong, contentedness didn't magically happen. There were some rough steps along the way. I started trying to fill all my extra time outside of work with active steps toward doing what I love. I still do this sometimes, but I was doing it so much that I didn't have any energy left for my wife and daughter.
I'm gonna say that again. It's important and I don't want you to miss it.
I was doing it so much that I didn't have any energy left for my wife and daughter.
So I took a step back, focused on being present, and a few weeks later I was in a car with a friend; talking about purpose and meaning and contentment and fullness and joy and passion and heart cry and how it relates to work.
--
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures(perhaps because we don't have enough sense to do it ourselves?)
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table for me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever."
- Psalm 23
By the way, I don't place any blame for my exhaustion and irritation on the friend in the car. They are near and dear to my heart and always will be.
