"You are a Gentleman and a Scholar". This is perhaps one of the most insulting compliments I think anyone can ever receive in his or her respective life. It is beyond distasteful, and offers a certain sense of mockery to the receiver. This statement almost defines what it means to insult a fellow human being, and it does so quite bluntly. You, dear reader, no doubt find my thesis repulsive, but that is simply because I have yet to enlighten you.
It is a simple matter of breaking down the sentence and words, really. When one first lays eyes upon this sentence, they are presented with two nouns, a pronoun, and four conjunctions. Conjunctions add nothing to the heart and soul of the sentence so they're out. We are now left with, "You gentleman scholar". If said fast enough and with deep enough inflection, our sentence actually sounds like someone is being called an article of clothing by a caveman.
But that is completely irrelevant.
Let us turn our focus to the nouns. We are not eliminating the pronoun, but are rather repulsed by its presence for the time being. The nouns are, 'gentleman' and, 'scholar'. You may believe I am about to give the definition of these words, but I am not, because not only would that be pathetically predictable, but also because the definition of a word--especially these words--is not always in alignment with things people associate with said word.
But I digress.
When one thinks of a gentleman, one will generally either picture a primp and oldish gentleman sporting a tuxedo and sipping a glass of champagne, or a man of any age smiling politely and holding the door for a woman. The former of these is likely much more frowned upon than the latter, and so we will assume the latter for the sake of the argument.
There is, of course, nothing insulting about calling someone that sort of gentleman. On the contrary, it is almost delightful to receive such a compliment! Now imagine someone walking up to this perfectly nice man and telling him that they believe he is dumb enough to spend the better part of ten years attending countless classes and reading countless books at an abhorring high price, then spend the rest of his life looking for a satisfying job so as to pay off the schools which sucked his creative brain--and wallet--dry.
And that, dear reader, is why you should only ever call a man a gentleman, and nothing more.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Metaphorical Commentaries
Sometimes I write. Too much. I'm not saying it's ever bad to jot down one's thoughts, but there is a certain art to holding back just a bit. This art only applies to publishing one's works, as holding back one's thoughts from oneself is impossible in every way, shape and form.
Take the first sentence of this piece, for example. It's crisp, clean, and more importantly, it can stand on its own. If a comedian were to get up on a stage, recite said line with a straight face, and walk off stage again, he would receive a much better laugh than if he were to recite this entire piece.
He would also probably feel quite silly when he got to this sentence. Especially if he was a girl.
Point in case, I should stop writing now for dramatic effect.
Except there is so much more I'd like to say on this subject and my will power is apparently running quite low.
As I was saying, my main is that when dealing with published ramblings, less quite often IS more, and this is without a doubt due to what is called dramatic effect. To write one sentence as opposed to one paragraph speaks volumes about the character of the writer, whether they be fictional or not. If I had written nothing more than that first sentence, your train of thought and assumptions about my person would have no doubt taken a different turn.
The sentence on its own says that sometimes I write, but not right now, and gives a cheeky air to my personality. Conjoined with the following sentences and paragraphs, however, the sentence becomes a confession. More importantly, it becomes an idea.
An idea which is expanded upon, criticized, and analyzed. Instead of a sentence it becomes a thesis statement; a small part of a large piece. It is discussed in several different paragraphs, and its meaning becomes less and less significant as more and more words are put into place to demoralize and de-structure this once beautiful sentence. It is tossed, turned, and rolled through a series of debates and opinions formed by separate words and sentences. Its meaning changes, beaten into place by the words which surround it.
Finally, after being dissected beyond recognition, the thesis-and possibly the entire piece-is thrown into a conclusion paragraph, where it is labelled as a metaphor.
A metaphor as well as a social commentary.
Sometimes I write. Too much.
Take the first sentence of this piece, for example. It's crisp, clean, and more importantly, it can stand on its own. If a comedian were to get up on a stage, recite said line with a straight face, and walk off stage again, he would receive a much better laugh than if he were to recite this entire piece.
He would also probably feel quite silly when he got to this sentence. Especially if he was a girl.
Point in case, I should stop writing now for dramatic effect.
Except there is so much more I'd like to say on this subject and my will power is apparently running quite low.
As I was saying, my main is that when dealing with published ramblings, less quite often IS more, and this is without a doubt due to what is called dramatic effect. To write one sentence as opposed to one paragraph speaks volumes about the character of the writer, whether they be fictional or not. If I had written nothing more than that first sentence, your train of thought and assumptions about my person would have no doubt taken a different turn.
The sentence on its own says that sometimes I write, but not right now, and gives a cheeky air to my personality. Conjoined with the following sentences and paragraphs, however, the sentence becomes a confession. More importantly, it becomes an idea.
An idea which is expanded upon, criticized, and analyzed. Instead of a sentence it becomes a thesis statement; a small part of a large piece. It is discussed in several different paragraphs, and its meaning becomes less and less significant as more and more words are put into place to demoralize and de-structure this once beautiful sentence. It is tossed, turned, and rolled through a series of debates and opinions formed by separate words and sentences. Its meaning changes, beaten into place by the words which surround it.
Finally, after being dissected beyond recognition, the thesis-and possibly the entire piece-is thrown into a conclusion paragraph, where it is labelled as a metaphor.
A metaphor as well as a social commentary.
Sometimes I write. Too much.
Awful Atrocities
I am completely taxed and derived of creativity. My mind is an endless wasteland filled with the same long, eerie, and terrifying noise. It is every writer's nightmare and their least favorite sound. It is a vibration of the vocal chords which was never meant to be discovered; an awful, humming, buzzing, and sizzling sort of sound. Not only does the modern day scribbler detest this fuzzing and guzzling, but so do radio DJ's, news anchors, actors keynote speakers, judges, lawyers, and even Presidents cannot stand this terribly awful noise. For all of its simplicity, this sound is an absolute atrocity.
"Uhhhmmmmmm...."
"Uhhhmmmmmm...."
Monday, May 16, 2011
Joseph
Air. Fresh, sweet, beautiful. Joseph wiped hair from his face as he surfaced out of the small lake next to his home in Arimathea. What beautiful air it was indeed. He took in several deep breathes before letting out a long and tired sigh.
The last twenty-four hours had drained the man mentally and physically. Yeshua, his great nephew and close friend, had been put on trial with the Sanhedrin for being a blasphemer, a hypocrite, and several other irrelevant and false charges. Normally, this wouldn't bother Joseph much, as he knew the truth about his nephew and the claims made about him. Not only that, but Joseph was also a member of the Sanhedrin, and had felt very confident that he could dispel any doubts his fellow council members might have had about the man which had been thrown before them so violently those hours ago.
It had not gone as hoped.
Scores upon scores of people had testified against Yeshua—many of them false accusations—and through it all the man had remained completely silent. Again, Joseph knew none of them to be true, and knew beforehand that Yeshua would most likely not respond to the accusations hurled at him. It was not the accusations that had bothered him, it was the end result of the trial. Joseph had been dumbfounded as the many accusers dragged Yeshua to Prefect Pilate, demanding his execution.
They had not taken his council-ling at all. It had been as though their minds were made up even before the trial began. Joseph barely had a chance to get a word in before his fellow council-members stated their unanimous decision to take Yeshua to Pilate. Indeed, many of them even accompanied the mob of accusers.
Joseph knew Yeshua was the messiah. He knew Yeshua was the son of God. He had seen him dispel the arguments of the Pharisees and Sadducees countless times in places much more public than a Sanhedrin court. Joseph knew Yeshua could have persuaded for his release when it came his time to speak, but he had not; he had barely uttered more than a sentence. The messiah's words echoed again and again in Joseph's head: “If I do tell you, you will not believe. And if I ask you, you will not answer. But from now on, the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the Power of God.”
That had been his moment; his chance to escape the death wished upon him—and he had calmly brushed it aside. Joseph knew Yeshua spoke truth in those words, but he couldn't help but wonder why his great nephew was setting himself up for death.
“What wonders could he possibly be planning this time?” muttered the older man to himself, shaking his head. Joseph began making his way back to shore, where servants awaited with towels and a fresh robe.
“You have not slept.” commented one of the servants as Joseph quickly wrapped himself in a towel.
“How can one sleep?” replied the wealthy disciple, “One of my closest friends is setting himself up for death.”
“He is fulfilling the prophecy.” offered another of the servants. Joseph shook his head: “He is barely over thirty years! There is so much more he could accomplish in the rest of his days! What about delivering our people from the hands of the romans? That is a prophecy is it not? Yet even now he delivers himself to our enemies.” the servant was about to respond when a woman's cry cut him off.
Joseph looked up to see his niece; Mary, running towards him with tears streaming down her face.
“They have handed him over to Pilate!” she cried as she buried her head into Joseph's damp shoulder, “They have given Yeshua to Pilate in return for the release of Barabbas!” Joseph choked back tears: “Barabbas...the criminal?” stammered the old man.
Mary stifled her cries enough to let out a wailing, “Yes!” and after another moment of sobbing she added, “Yeshua is to be crucified tomorrow at Golgotha.”
The words hit Joseph like a slap in the face. The color left his skin, and his eyes stared into nothing. Again he thought of the council several hours before.
“Has he said anything in his defence?” asked Joseph quietly.
“Nothing more than the words spoken at the council.” came the wailing reply.
“This is not like him.” Protested the old man, “Why has he not spoken out against the fools?”
This time the second servant spoke: “He is fulfilling the scriptures written about the coming messiah. Have you not heard the predictions of these days?” Joseph said nothing. He had heard rumors that Yeshua was predicting his own death, but he had brushed them off as just that—rumors.
Yet, as always, it seemed as if Yeshua was right.
-
He hung there. Broken. Beaten. Lifeless.
Joseph stood alone on Golgotha hill. The crowds had left several hours ago with grim looks on their faces. They had not come as such, for many had been jeering and mocking as Yeshua was nailed to the cross and raised up for each and every person to see. Oh how they had mocked him!
Joseph's eyes welled up with tears: “Why?!” he shouted, and dropped to his knees. “Why?” he whispered through sobs. A drop of blood splashed onto Joseph's tightly folded hands.
The elderly disciple turned his gaze upward, recalling the last words of his greatest friend:
“Father, into Your hands I entrust My spirit.”
Through all the jeering, all the mocking, all the insults and beatings, Jesus had uttered little more than those words. According to some of his disciples, Jesus had only spoken several mere sentences between the sanhedrin trial and his death. Not one of them had been a complaint. Joseph thought back to some of Jesus' teachings throughout the past years. How in His own words, Jesus had told his crowds of followers to refrain from complaining so as to become more like Him. Never before had Joseph understood those words as he understood them now.
“Like Christ.” he said quietly as he wiped away the tears and snot from his face: “If only there was a way to honor your many sacrifices.” Joseph paused as an idea crept its way into his mind.
-
“You're certain?” asked Pilate, a confused look scrambled across his face.
“No doubt has entered my mind since the thought came to fruition.” replied Joseph as calmly as possible.
“And he is quite definitely dead?”
Joseph winced at the casual air of the question: “Yes. Yes he is definitely dead.”
Pilate eyed the Sanhedrin council member carefully: “Was it not your order that sentenced Jesus to death in the first place?”
“It was.” replied Joseph steadily, “But my decision was not in agreement with the rest of the council, and so it was over-ruled.”
Pilate sat back in his chair and let out a great sigh: “You spent much time and money on that tomb.”
“All the more reason to give it back to my Lord.” Came Joseph's quivering reply. Uttering such words at such a time and place as this was dangerous indeed.
“And what of Joseph of Arimathea? Where shall his body be lain when his day comes?”
“I am not an unwealthy man. I can build ten more tombs each greater than the last.”
“Ah, but it must be of at least some inconvenience for you to do such a thing.”
“What is convenient for me and what is convenient for my Lord and King are two different things entirely.” replied Joseph slowly, “If God has seen fit to bless me with riches and resources with which to do this service, then I would be a fool to deny it. All I ask is that You allow me to take down and bury the body of my nephew and friend.”
Pilate threw up his hands in frustration: “Fine!” he almost shouted, “Just do it quickly and without too much commotion so that I can forget about this Jesus business.”
Joseph smiled thankfully.
-
“Careful!” urged Joseph as several soldiers assisted Joseph and Nicodemus with taking down the broken and beaten body of Jesus, “Please be careful!”
The soldiers did their best to comply.
Joseph had all but given up trying to hold back tears as he and Nicodemus began wrapping Jesus' body in fresh linens spiced with myrrh. Neither of them could believe this was happening. Neither of them understood why this was happening. This man who had lived the perfect life was lying dead at their feet, and no one would explain why.
Joseph and Nicodemus shared tears as they slowly carried Jesus' body to his tomb. They wept along with many others as they gingerly placed His body down on the stone, and they stood sombrely as several guards closed the door to the tomb, finalizing the burial of Jesus.
Joseph and Nicodemus gave a final cry when the door slammed shut, and the two walked arm in arm as they began the long journey home.
-
Air. Fresh. Sweet. Beautiful. Joseph pushed the hair back from his face as he surfaced out of the small lake which lay next to his home in Arimathea. What beautiful air it was indeed. Joseph took in several deep breathes before letting out a long and tired sigh.
Jesus. Was. Dead. There was no doubt about it. Joseph had seen to the burial himself. Joseph's friend, mentor, leader, relative, and King, was dead. Joseph shook his head to try and rid himself of the thought as he had so many times before.
This couldn't be true! Jesus had raised his own friends from the dead! How had He let the people treat him so violently? How had He not saved himself? If he was the king, why had he allowed such awful things to happen to him?
Joseph turned and began swimming back to shore. He thought again of the bruises on Jesus' body, and thought again of how it had taken great effort from Joseph and Nicodemus to remove the thorn crown from Jesus' head. Tears flowed freely as Joseph stepped out of the water and began drying himself.
A shout from the house grabbed the old man's attention, and he turned to see a servant running towards him at a very fast pace. An enormous smile crept onto Joseph's face as the servant's shouts became more clear.
“He's alive! He's alive! He's alive!”
The last twenty-four hours had drained the man mentally and physically. Yeshua, his great nephew and close friend, had been put on trial with the Sanhedrin for being a blasphemer, a hypocrite, and several other irrelevant and false charges. Normally, this wouldn't bother Joseph much, as he knew the truth about his nephew and the claims made about him. Not only that, but Joseph was also a member of the Sanhedrin, and had felt very confident that he could dispel any doubts his fellow council members might have had about the man which had been thrown before them so violently those hours ago.
It had not gone as hoped.
Scores upon scores of people had testified against Yeshua—many of them false accusations—and through it all the man had remained completely silent. Again, Joseph knew none of them to be true, and knew beforehand that Yeshua would most likely not respond to the accusations hurled at him. It was not the accusations that had bothered him, it was the end result of the trial. Joseph had been dumbfounded as the many accusers dragged Yeshua to Prefect Pilate, demanding his execution.
They had not taken his council-ling at all. It had been as though their minds were made up even before the trial began. Joseph barely had a chance to get a word in before his fellow council-members stated their unanimous decision to take Yeshua to Pilate. Indeed, many of them even accompanied the mob of accusers.
Joseph knew Yeshua was the messiah. He knew Yeshua was the son of God. He had seen him dispel the arguments of the Pharisees and Sadducees countless times in places much more public than a Sanhedrin court. Joseph knew Yeshua could have persuaded for his release when it came his time to speak, but he had not; he had barely uttered more than a sentence. The messiah's words echoed again and again in Joseph's head: “If I do tell you, you will not believe. And if I ask you, you will not answer. But from now on, the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the Power of God.”
That had been his moment; his chance to escape the death wished upon him—and he had calmly brushed it aside. Joseph knew Yeshua spoke truth in those words, but he couldn't help but wonder why his great nephew was setting himself up for death.
“What wonders could he possibly be planning this time?” muttered the older man to himself, shaking his head. Joseph began making his way back to shore, where servants awaited with towels and a fresh robe.
“You have not slept.” commented one of the servants as Joseph quickly wrapped himself in a towel.
“How can one sleep?” replied the wealthy disciple, “One of my closest friends is setting himself up for death.”
“He is fulfilling the prophecy.” offered another of the servants. Joseph shook his head: “He is barely over thirty years! There is so much more he could accomplish in the rest of his days! What about delivering our people from the hands of the romans? That is a prophecy is it not? Yet even now he delivers himself to our enemies.” the servant was about to respond when a woman's cry cut him off.
Joseph looked up to see his niece; Mary, running towards him with tears streaming down her face.
“They have handed him over to Pilate!” she cried as she buried her head into Joseph's damp shoulder, “They have given Yeshua to Pilate in return for the release of Barabbas!” Joseph choked back tears: “Barabbas...the criminal?” stammered the old man.
Mary stifled her cries enough to let out a wailing, “Yes!” and after another moment of sobbing she added, “Yeshua is to be crucified tomorrow at Golgotha.”
The words hit Joseph like a slap in the face. The color left his skin, and his eyes stared into nothing. Again he thought of the council several hours before.
“Has he said anything in his defence?” asked Joseph quietly.
“Nothing more than the words spoken at the council.” came the wailing reply.
“This is not like him.” Protested the old man, “Why has he not spoken out against the fools?”
This time the second servant spoke: “He is fulfilling the scriptures written about the coming messiah. Have you not heard the predictions of these days?” Joseph said nothing. He had heard rumors that Yeshua was predicting his own death, but he had brushed them off as just that—rumors.
Yet, as always, it seemed as if Yeshua was right.
-
He hung there. Broken. Beaten. Lifeless.
Joseph stood alone on Golgotha hill. The crowds had left several hours ago with grim looks on their faces. They had not come as such, for many had been jeering and mocking as Yeshua was nailed to the cross and raised up for each and every person to see. Oh how they had mocked him!
Joseph's eyes welled up with tears: “Why?!” he shouted, and dropped to his knees. “Why?” he whispered through sobs. A drop of blood splashed onto Joseph's tightly folded hands.
The elderly disciple turned his gaze upward, recalling the last words of his greatest friend:
“Father, into Your hands I entrust My spirit.”
Through all the jeering, all the mocking, all the insults and beatings, Jesus had uttered little more than those words. According to some of his disciples, Jesus had only spoken several mere sentences between the sanhedrin trial and his death. Not one of them had been a complaint. Joseph thought back to some of Jesus' teachings throughout the past years. How in His own words, Jesus had told his crowds of followers to refrain from complaining so as to become more like Him. Never before had Joseph understood those words as he understood them now.
“Like Christ.” he said quietly as he wiped away the tears and snot from his face: “If only there was a way to honor your many sacrifices.” Joseph paused as an idea crept its way into his mind.
-
“You're certain?” asked Pilate, a confused look scrambled across his face.
“No doubt has entered my mind since the thought came to fruition.” replied Joseph as calmly as possible.
“And he is quite definitely dead?”
Joseph winced at the casual air of the question: “Yes. Yes he is definitely dead.”
Pilate eyed the Sanhedrin council member carefully: “Was it not your order that sentenced Jesus to death in the first place?”
“It was.” replied Joseph steadily, “But my decision was not in agreement with the rest of the council, and so it was over-ruled.”
Pilate sat back in his chair and let out a great sigh: “You spent much time and money on that tomb.”
“All the more reason to give it back to my Lord.” Came Joseph's quivering reply. Uttering such words at such a time and place as this was dangerous indeed.
“And what of Joseph of Arimathea? Where shall his body be lain when his day comes?”
“I am not an unwealthy man. I can build ten more tombs each greater than the last.”
“Ah, but it must be of at least some inconvenience for you to do such a thing.”
“What is convenient for me and what is convenient for my Lord and King are two different things entirely.” replied Joseph slowly, “If God has seen fit to bless me with riches and resources with which to do this service, then I would be a fool to deny it. All I ask is that You allow me to take down and bury the body of my nephew and friend.”
Pilate threw up his hands in frustration: “Fine!” he almost shouted, “Just do it quickly and without too much commotion so that I can forget about this Jesus business.”
Joseph smiled thankfully.
-
“Careful!” urged Joseph as several soldiers assisted Joseph and Nicodemus with taking down the broken and beaten body of Jesus, “Please be careful!”
The soldiers did their best to comply.
Joseph had all but given up trying to hold back tears as he and Nicodemus began wrapping Jesus' body in fresh linens spiced with myrrh. Neither of them could believe this was happening. Neither of them understood why this was happening. This man who had lived the perfect life was lying dead at their feet, and no one would explain why.
Joseph and Nicodemus shared tears as they slowly carried Jesus' body to his tomb. They wept along with many others as they gingerly placed His body down on the stone, and they stood sombrely as several guards closed the door to the tomb, finalizing the burial of Jesus.
Joseph and Nicodemus gave a final cry when the door slammed shut, and the two walked arm in arm as they began the long journey home.
-
Air. Fresh. Sweet. Beautiful. Joseph pushed the hair back from his face as he surfaced out of the small lake which lay next to his home in Arimathea. What beautiful air it was indeed. Joseph took in several deep breathes before letting out a long and tired sigh.
Jesus. Was. Dead. There was no doubt about it. Joseph had seen to the burial himself. Joseph's friend, mentor, leader, relative, and King, was dead. Joseph shook his head to try and rid himself of the thought as he had so many times before.
This couldn't be true! Jesus had raised his own friends from the dead! How had He let the people treat him so violently? How had He not saved himself? If he was the king, why had he allowed such awful things to happen to him?
Joseph turned and began swimming back to shore. He thought again of the bruises on Jesus' body, and thought again of how it had taken great effort from Joseph and Nicodemus to remove the thorn crown from Jesus' head. Tears flowed freely as Joseph stepped out of the water and began drying himself.
A shout from the house grabbed the old man's attention, and he turned to see a servant running towards him at a very fast pace. An enormous smile crept onto Joseph's face as the servant's shouts became more clear.
“He's alive! He's alive! He's alive!”
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The Most Interesting Part
I would much rather be stuck in a broken down car on the side of the road in the dead of winter than on the toilet without a roll of toilet paper. Many find this an insane notion, and for the very good reason that no sane person wishes themself to be stuck on the side of a road with a car that doesn't work. But I argue that that same person would be just as likely to deny themself the opportunity of sitting hopelessly on a toilet with no way to cleanse their recently tarnished bottom.
In order to decide which is actually worst than the other, one must weigh out the cons and pros of each. Obviously, both are terrible situations to be in, and so pros are a hard thing to come by when thinking about them, but I can assure you at least one can be found in each. Let's begin with the car.
It is most likely that if one finds themselves broken down on the side of the road during the coldest days of the coldest time of the year they probably had the heat on prior to being in such an unfavorable situation. And so they will have the heat to sit in for at least 5 minutes before cold air begins slowly seeping its way into the vehicle. Along with heat--providing the battery is not what has caused the breakdown--the driver will also be able to entertain themselves with music to help pass the moments before a tow truck arrives. Finally, if said driver is smart, they will have a warm coat, boots, gloves, and hat with them for situations just like the one they find themselves in to help keep warm.
As for the toilet situation, I can assure you it is the most miserable thing one could ever do in a great many of their years. It begins with the realization. No one ever checks for toilet paper BEFORE they sit down, because that would just be ridiculous, and we are all so often caught up in the hundreds of thoughts that come with being alive in this crazy world, and so we just expect the toilet paper to be there all the time. It is this assumption that causes the situation to be so utterly awful. It is not until one reaches for the toilet paper--only to find nothing but cardboard--that they feel so insanely silly for not having checked to make sure that they had a way to clean the extra poo from their buttocks.
It is at this moment that the person is overwhelmed with a wave of different emotions and thoughts. A common example is to blame whoever came before you, for they knowingly left that roll of cardboard there for what seems to be the single purpose of causing you distress. It is almost as if they are trying to say something: "Here, because you didn't take out the trash last week, you get to sit while poo dries and hardens on your lower sphincter".
The next thought to come is one of despair: the insane notion that one is going to be stuck on this toilet seat until the end of time, cursing themselves for not having checked the toilet paper before beginning to relieve their intestines. The only option appears to be to simply use the cardboard--or possibly even one of the magazines sitting several inches away. However the point of desperation has not yet been reached, and so a slight bit of discomfort from using cardboard or ink paper sounds far out of the question.
The next series of thoughts come slightly more composed and with a hint of problem solving. One begins to calm themselves down and start going through a small--very small--list of otions as to how to get out of this predicament they have found themselves in. The first option is to waddle pantsless across the bathroom and take a roll out of the cupboard, but that would smear poo across the cheeks, causing even more discomfort. The only thing worse than poo is smeared poo. The second option is to call for someone in the house to invade your privacy and get a roll of toilet paper from the cupboard for you. This would be the most practical decision, and yet it is made highly undesirable by the inevitable humiliation which would take place directly after the assisstance of another(this is a very important note, as help from another on a borken down car is usually appreciated and accompanied by very little humiliatin, but more relief). The final option is to simply sit there until the poo has finished drying, pull up your pants and continue on with your day--taking care to have a very thorough shower as soon as possible.
At the end of it all, the first two options usually prove efficient enough to solve the problem, despite the discomfort and humiliation they may bring.
The most interesting part about this entire thought process is that it takes place in a mere matter of several short minutes. And I have taken a most unnecessary ten minutes out of my day to write down the said process for your enjoyment, and you have no doubt spent a closely similar amount of time reading it. I believe it is safe to say that we have wasted a combined amount of close to twenty minutes on this short piece of writing, when we both could have simply gone and plopped ourselves down on a cold toilet seat which lacks an accompanying roll of toilet paper to experience the thought process for ourselves.
What an incredible thing the human brain is.
In order to decide which is actually worst than the other, one must weigh out the cons and pros of each. Obviously, both are terrible situations to be in, and so pros are a hard thing to come by when thinking about them, but I can assure you at least one can be found in each. Let's begin with the car.
It is most likely that if one finds themselves broken down on the side of the road during the coldest days of the coldest time of the year they probably had the heat on prior to being in such an unfavorable situation. And so they will have the heat to sit in for at least 5 minutes before cold air begins slowly seeping its way into the vehicle. Along with heat--providing the battery is not what has caused the breakdown--the driver will also be able to entertain themselves with music to help pass the moments before a tow truck arrives. Finally, if said driver is smart, they will have a warm coat, boots, gloves, and hat with them for situations just like the one they find themselves in to help keep warm.
As for the toilet situation, I can assure you it is the most miserable thing one could ever do in a great many of their years. It begins with the realization. No one ever checks for toilet paper BEFORE they sit down, because that would just be ridiculous, and we are all so often caught up in the hundreds of thoughts that come with being alive in this crazy world, and so we just expect the toilet paper to be there all the time. It is this assumption that causes the situation to be so utterly awful. It is not until one reaches for the toilet paper--only to find nothing but cardboard--that they feel so insanely silly for not having checked to make sure that they had a way to clean the extra poo from their buttocks.
It is at this moment that the person is overwhelmed with a wave of different emotions and thoughts. A common example is to blame whoever came before you, for they knowingly left that roll of cardboard there for what seems to be the single purpose of causing you distress. It is almost as if they are trying to say something: "Here, because you didn't take out the trash last week, you get to sit while poo dries and hardens on your lower sphincter".
The next thought to come is one of despair: the insane notion that one is going to be stuck on this toilet seat until the end of time, cursing themselves for not having checked the toilet paper before beginning to relieve their intestines. The only option appears to be to simply use the cardboard--or possibly even one of the magazines sitting several inches away. However the point of desperation has not yet been reached, and so a slight bit of discomfort from using cardboard or ink paper sounds far out of the question.
The next series of thoughts come slightly more composed and with a hint of problem solving. One begins to calm themselves down and start going through a small--very small--list of otions as to how to get out of this predicament they have found themselves in. The first option is to waddle pantsless across the bathroom and take a roll out of the cupboard, but that would smear poo across the cheeks, causing even more discomfort. The only thing worse than poo is smeared poo. The second option is to call for someone in the house to invade your privacy and get a roll of toilet paper from the cupboard for you. This would be the most practical decision, and yet it is made highly undesirable by the inevitable humiliation which would take place directly after the assisstance of another(this is a very important note, as help from another on a borken down car is usually appreciated and accompanied by very little humiliatin, but more relief). The final option is to simply sit there until the poo has finished drying, pull up your pants and continue on with your day--taking care to have a very thorough shower as soon as possible.
At the end of it all, the first two options usually prove efficient enough to solve the problem, despite the discomfort and humiliation they may bring.
The most interesting part about this entire thought process is that it takes place in a mere matter of several short minutes. And I have taken a most unnecessary ten minutes out of my day to write down the said process for your enjoyment, and you have no doubt spent a closely similar amount of time reading it. I believe it is safe to say that we have wasted a combined amount of close to twenty minutes on this short piece of writing, when we both could have simply gone and plopped ourselves down on a cold toilet seat which lacks an accompanying roll of toilet paper to experience the thought process for ourselves.
What an incredible thing the human brain is.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Awful Realities
Tonight's the kind of night where I have an awful urge to write something, but I find no writing related ideas floating around in my mostly empty head. It is these kind of nights and moments where I often come up with the most bizarre and awful ideas I think anyone on the face of the planet has ever come up with. Well, other than hitler. His ideas were not only awful, they were stupid to the point of suicide.
For this paragraph my plan was to share some of my awful ideas from the past, but because they are such awful ideas they tend to kill themselves the moment the poor things come to fruition so as to protect the world from wasted time. I always try to tell them to go out with a bang and do a suicide bombing in the Disney Channel's headquarters, but they never listen. If the ideas aren't quite awful enough to end themselves, then I usually do the dirty deed myself. I'm not very fond of killing, however, so every now and then I let one or two live just to see what will happen. Mostly they just die of old age, but a few of them have gone on to become nicolas cage and/or M. Night Shyamalan movies. And remember, those aren't even the ideas that were bad enough to kill themselves. That's the gist of how awful these ideas really are.
Not really sure what my plan was for this paragraph.
Right now the amount of birthing and dying ideas in my brain must be coming close to infinity as pen meets paper, and I'm doing everything humanly possible to keep them from escaping through the pen with which I compose this pointless piece. Uh-Oh
A guy walks int oa bar and starts shooting people with an AK-47 which had in his pocket. He kills a zillion people per second until the world ends. An ancient warrior goes in search of a long lost love he never met. A robot has sex with a unicorn: Evil Baby robot unicorns terrorize the earth. A ship gets attacked by a giant octopus. A mega shark shows up to save everyone--and then eat them for itself. Only one man can stop the end of the world, and he's a most unlikely hero. Choose Forrest Gump over Shawshank Redemption. Make a reality tv series about jacked and tanned douchebags with stupid accents. Make resident evil into a movie--maybe a couple movies. Vampires fall in love with teenage girls and have to choose; throw a werewolf in the mix. Make a sequel to Avatar
Dammit. Sorry you had to see that.
For this paragraph my plan was to share some of my awful ideas from the past, but because they are such awful ideas they tend to kill themselves the moment the poor things come to fruition so as to protect the world from wasted time. I always try to tell them to go out with a bang and do a suicide bombing in the Disney Channel's headquarters, but they never listen. If the ideas aren't quite awful enough to end themselves, then I usually do the dirty deed myself. I'm not very fond of killing, however, so every now and then I let one or two live just to see what will happen. Mostly they just die of old age, but a few of them have gone on to become nicolas cage and/or M. Night Shyamalan movies. And remember, those aren't even the ideas that were bad enough to kill themselves. That's the gist of how awful these ideas really are.
Not really sure what my plan was for this paragraph.
Right now the amount of birthing and dying ideas in my brain must be coming close to infinity as pen meets paper, and I'm doing everything humanly possible to keep them from escaping through the pen with which I compose this pointless piece. Uh-Oh
A guy walks int oa bar and starts shooting people with an AK-47 which had in his pocket. He kills a zillion people per second until the world ends. An ancient warrior goes in search of a long lost love he never met. A robot has sex with a unicorn: Evil Baby robot unicorns terrorize the earth. A ship gets attacked by a giant octopus. A mega shark shows up to save everyone--and then eat them for itself. Only one man can stop the end of the world, and he's a most unlikely hero. Choose Forrest Gump over Shawshank Redemption. Make a reality tv series about jacked and tanned douchebags with stupid accents. Make resident evil into a movie--maybe a couple movies. Vampires fall in love with teenage girls and have to choose; throw a werewolf in the mix. Make a sequel to Avatar
Dammit. Sorry you had to see that.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
How to Become Popular
First, you must start out as a loser. Have everyone staring at you and commenting on your greasy appearance all the time. It is important that the whole school knows what a weird person you are.
After a year, you should look in the mirror and realize that your face resembles a puffy mountain range, and your clothes have no logos on them.
Spend an outlandish sum of money on acne cream, fancy clothes and the most expensive, "bling" you can find. Make sure you spend almost ALL of your money; it is cool to be broke sometimes.
Begin working out; if you're hot you're more popular.
When school starts, you will walk up to a suitable looking group and make a name for your self. Punch the coolest and strongest person in the face. You will not win this fight.
Realize you have accomplished nothing. Expect facial reconstruction surgery.
After a year, you should look in the mirror and realize that your face resembles a puffy mountain range, and your clothes have no logos on them.
Spend an outlandish sum of money on acne cream, fancy clothes and the most expensive, "bling" you can find. Make sure you spend almost ALL of your money; it is cool to be broke sometimes.
Begin working out; if you're hot you're more popular.
When school starts, you will walk up to a suitable looking group and make a name for your self. Punch the coolest and strongest person in the face. You will not win this fight.
Realize you have accomplished nothing. Expect facial reconstruction surgery.
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