The Elf (screenplay

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

The red lights of a digital alarm clock are flashing SIX O' CLOCK accompanied by an awful BEEP BEEP. ALEX's head lifts to look at the clock.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

ALEX has just woken up and is getting ready for work.

Alex (V.o.)

New York is a cold, hard city, and I'm a cold, hard man. I've been living here for years and never once saw a single thing interesting or anything good coming out of this hell-hole. People live on the streets, guns go off every night, and you can always just barely hear that wonderful faint sound of police sirens in the background as you try to doze off at 12:30 in the morning. I've never experienced anything pleasant here, and the only reason I stay is because my job pays excellent money. Which is why, when I met Mr. Gump, I decided to pack my bags and have a change of scene.

INT. Alex's house - day

ALEX is on the phone and pacing about the house in an irritated manner.

ALEX

(into phone)

No...no I specifically heard you say that it would be ready by mond-

(pause)

I was told it would only take the weekend! What so you want me to walk to work every day?

(pause)

Take the bus...

EXT. bus stop - day

title

Monday.

ALEX is sitting on a bus stop bench looking quite irritated and alone. A LOUDLY-SNORING HOBO is taking up the majority of the bench.

ALEX gets up several times to look around impatiently for the bus. After several minutes of waiting, the HOBO awakes with a slight start and stares wide-eyed at ALEX's nice clothes.

ALEX tries to ignore the HOBO, but is unsuccessful.

ALEX

Never seen Eddie Bauer before?

HOBO

(chuckles)

Can't say I've had the privilege of meeting him.

ALEX shifts as far to the end of the bench as possible and the HOBO continues to stare.

hobo

Never sat next to a homeless guy before?

alex

Can't say I've had the privilege

hobo

(laughs)

Well feel yourself privileged my friend.

The HOBO extends his hand out to ALEX and gives a wide, toothy, smile

close up of hobo's face

ALEX is slihtly alarmed by the HOBO's pearly white teeth and smooth, young skin despite his old, shoddy clothing.

HOBO

Gump.

ALEX reluctantly shakes the HOBO's extended hand

ALEX

Alex.

ALEX continues to be alarmed by the pristine condition of the HOBO's skin and teeth. The HOBO notices the stare.

HOBO

I suppose you could call me a clean freak.

ALEX

(flatly)

A clean freak that smells horrible.

HOBO

(laughs)

Can't be the hair.

The HOBO removes a rather dirty toque from his head to reveal long, flowing, blond hair. ALEX stares open-mouthed.

HOBO

There's only one other thing the smell could be, and that's my armpits. However I'm afraid I won't be removing my shirt in these temperatures.

ALEX

(quietly)

It's not that cold out...

The HOBO shrugs and begins to take off his shirt.

ALEX

That won't be necessary! I'll take your word for it.

The HOBO shrugs again and slouches comfortably back into the bus stop bench. There is a short pause.

ALEX

What the hell is that smell if it isn't you?

HOBO

Oh, it's definitely me. Couldn't be anything but. There isn't really anyone else out right now, and your friend Eddie Bauer seems to have given you some nice clothes. I mean look at you you've got--

ALEX

(interrupting)

The smell!

HOBO

Oh, right. My apologies. It's age ALEX; the smell of age.

The HOBO smiles at ALEX as if he's supposed to know exactly what he's talking about.

ALEX

You're younger than I am.

HOBO

Seems that way doesn't it?

ALEX

Yes it seems that way because it is that way Mr. Gump.

HOBO

On the contrary, I'll be turning four thousand on Wednesday. Wednesday. Don't forget that. No one ever seems to remember my birthday these days.

ALEX makes no effort to reply and sits facing straight ahead.

There is a brief moment of awkward silence before the bus arrives.

ALEX hurriedly gets off the bench and boards the bus.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

The red lights of a digital alarm clock are flashing SIX O' CLOCK accompanied by an awful BEEP BEEP. ALEX's head lifts up to look at the clock.

TITLE

Tuesday

series of shots of alex getting ready for the day. types of actions very similar to shots at the opening to show monotonous routine.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

The HOBO is sitting by himself at the bus stop with several garbage bags taking up the rest of the bench.

ALEX enters and stands off to the side pretending not to notice the HOBO.

HOBO

(laugh)

Come sit. I ain't gonna make you stand.

The HOBO takes the garbage bags off the bench and puts them at his feet. ALEX reluctantly sits down.

ALEX

What's in the bags?

HOBO

Oh, it's just part of a collection I've been working on over the years.

ALEX

(laughs)

Seriously, how old are you?

HOBO

Three thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-nine.

ALEX

You can't be over twenty-five years old. We went over this yesterday.

HOBO

So you don't believe I'm turning four thousand tomorrow?

ALEX

Of course not! It's common sense!

The HOBO holds up a finger to silence ALEX.

HOBO

Ever seen Lord of the Rings?

ALEX is about to reply, when the bus comes and picks ALEX up.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

Red flashing alarm clock lights: "SIX O' CLOCK" accompanied by an awful BEEP BEEP. ALEX's head lifts to look at the clock.

TITLE

Wednesday.

series of shots same as the other two mornings but played faster.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

The HOBO has placed and tied balloons in every place possible around the bus stop and the bus stop bench. The HOBO is sitting contentedly and whistling, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU".

The HOBO stops when he notices ALEX has walked in and is staring open-mouthed. The HOBO gets up to greet ALEX.

HOBO

Did you remember?

ALEX

(sighs)

Happy Birthday.

ALEX and the HOBO sit down on the bench together.

ALEX

I only have one question; why are you doing this?

HOBO

Because it's my birthday.

ALEX gives the HOBO a sarcastic look.

ALEX

You know what I mean. Who are you really? Why are you always here in the morning? How do you know I'm coming?

HOBO

I'm Mr. Gump, and I turned four thousand today, really. As for your other questions, I was here first, and you came the past two days so I just assumed you'd come again today.

ALEX

You weren't hired by one of my relatives to, "change me?"

HOBO

No one's paid me to do anything in a long time. I deal with fellows like you all the time. I do this as a hobby.

ALEX

Stalking people is a hobby?

HOBO

(laughs, shakes head)

You never answered my question yesterday.

ALEX

What question?

HOBO

Lord of the Rings.

ALEX

What about it?

HOBO

Seen it?

ALEX

Yes.

HOBO

Good.

The HOBO removes his toque and lets his long, blonde hair fall around him. The HOBO takes an elastic out of his pocket and puts his hair into a ponytail, revealing long, pointy ears. He smiles at ALEX and points to them.

ALEX stares for several moments while the the HOBO continues to have a playful smile.

ALEX

Nice costume.

The HOBO grabs ALEX's wrist. ALEX pulls away quickly.

ALEX

What are you doing?!

HOBO

Calm down.

(Points to ears)

Feel them.

ALEX slowly reaches up and feels the HOBO's long and pointed ears. His eyes grow wide.

ALEX

They're warm.

The HOBO grins. ALEX gives a slight tug on the ears. The HOBO withdraws quickly.

HOBO

Ow!

ALEX

(mystified)

I'm sorry.

The bus comes and picks ALEX up.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

Red flashing alarm clock lights: "SIX THIRTY". ALEX's head lifts to look at clock. Short pause. ALEX jumps into action.

TITLE

Thursday.

series of shots of alex getting ready. shots are sloppier and more rushed than preparation shots before.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

ALEX is hurrying to the bus stop. He is constantly checking his watch. Suddenly he stops dead in his tracks and stares. The bus stop is empty. The HOBO is nowhere to be seen. ALEX slowly walks over and sits down quietly on the bench.

series of shots showing that alex waits for quite a while and is constantly checking to see if the hobo is coming.

The bus comes to pick ALEX up after a long, anxious wait.

int. alex's house Evening

ALEX is setting his alarm to SIX O' CLOCK in the morning to make sure he gets up on time the next day.

INT. ALEX'S HOUSE - DAY

Red flashing alarm clock lights: "SIX O' CLOCK". ALEX's head lifts to look at the clock.

TITLE

Friday.

series of shots showing alex getting ready. The routine is different, and less monotonous.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

ALEX is walking hopefully towards the bus stop. He sees the HOBO there, and runs over to greet him. ALEX begins to ask where the HOBO was yesterday, but the HOBO cuts him off.

HOBO

(laughing)

Have some trouble with your alarm clock?

ALEX

(shocked)

How do you know that?

HOBO

I may or may not have ventured around your apartment and made one or two adjustments to one or two doo-dads.

alex

How...how did you get into my apartment?

HOBO

(laughs)

I've been there many times before my friend: the lovely people at the front desk agree entirely with what I do.

ALEX

What do you do? Seriously.

HOBO

Did you miss me yesterday?

ALEX

Yes, but--

HOBO

(interrupting)

Good, so you do have a heart. Congratulations ALEX you passed the first and only test of my five day course.

ALEX is confused.

HOBO

You've been living a very miserable life ALEX.

ALEX

You know nothing about my life

HOBO

On the contrary ALEX, I know more about you than you could ever begin to imagine. I've been watching you for several months now. All you do is eat, sleep, and work. You're living without a purpose. When was the last time you saw your family?

ALEX

(very quietly)

Ten years ago.

HOBO

(sarcastically)

Is that all?

(pause)

Look, ALEX, from what I gathered about you over my time of studying you is that you were living the dream with your family. You had everything: wife, kids, house, two cars, friends...and you left it all. Why?

ALEX wipes away a tear.

HOBO

I'll tell you why. You're a coward. You're afraid of change and therefore believe that you can live your boring, monotonous life the same way you've been living it for the past ten years, and for the next ten after that, with no consequences!

(pause)

Listen, ALEX, I've been alive pretty much since the dawn of time. I've seen a lot of crazy things. I've watched monuments being built, worshipped, and destroyed several hundred years later. I've witnessed the birth and maturity of many children. I've been to nearly every major location in this world and then some. But you know what I found most fascinating out of all of it?

ALEX doesn't reply as another tear drops from his eye.

HOBO

Faith. I've watched humanity go from being united in one, singular truthful belief to splitting off into this, 'what's true for you isn't necessarily true for me' nonsense. Go jump off a cliff and tell me how true the law of gravity is for you. You wouldn't do that, would you ALEX?

ALEX

(stammering)


HOBO

No, of course you wouldn't! It doesn't make any sense gravity is an undeniable fact! There is only right and wrong in this world ALEX! There is no in between! You can't just keep living your life the way you are and believe that it's right for you! It's not right for anyone!

There is an awkward silence for several minutes and the HOBO takes a seat on the bench. ALEX is staring into space, deep in thought.

HOBO

There's a reason you're alive ALEX. There's a reason for everyone to be alive, and it sure as hell isn't eat, sleep and die.

The HOBO stands up and walks away, leaving ALEX alone at the bus stop.

ALEX sits down on the bench staring into space. After several minutes he absent-mindedly looks beside him and sees a small, white business card. He picks it up. It says simply, 'Gump'. ALEX flips it over. The back side reads: "Ecclesiastes 3:12".

Fade out

The End