Press Play

"You know, they say weird things only happen to weird people, kinda the same way that karma works.
But I've never considered myself weird, and no one ever told me I was weird, but weird crap happens to me all the time.

Like last week, I was just walking to my car in the parking lot--just a regular day after work--when some weirdo-kinda-bum-kinda-hobo person ran up to me and handed me a really old VCR--you know, like before there was a rewind button, just put in the tape and play.

So anyways this really weird guy hands me this VCR in a really panicky way: 'I need you to hold on to this for me.' he was panting really heavy, like he'd been running for a while or somethin'.
'Don't watch the tape in it,' he says, 'just hide it, and keep it safe.'

I thought it was some sort of joke, but I saw no harm in holding on to it for him. I threw it in the trunk of my car and forgot about it.

Three days later the hobo shows up at my door, only this time he's got his hair slicked back real nice and wearin' a fancy suit and tie. Had a nice pair of sunglasses on too, and one of those fancy ear walkie-talkies that they got in spy movies. I didn't hardly recognize the guy. He asks me how the VCR is and I tell him I don't know cuz its been sitting locked in my trunk for three plus days.

Suddenly this guy starts gettin real mad, like something I've never seen before. Mother F***er strangles me and tells me to unlock the trunk for him. I pop the trunk and he walks over there so fast I'm surprised he didn't trip or somethin.

He dug around the trunk a bit and threw my stuff all over the ground, made a real mess to be honest. Then he finds the VCR and checks to see if the tape's still there.

It's there--of course it is, would it go anywhere if it was locked in my trunk?

He nods to me, hops in a BMW parked across the street and drives away, leaving a mess and a crappy old VCR/tape strewn across my trunk and driveway.

A few days go by and nothing happens. Then I get a phone call yesterday afternoon from the guy--don't even wanna know how he got my number--tellin me to look on the bottom of the VCR. He says there's a piece of black tape there that blends in with the things color. Tells me to peel it off and follow the instructions written on the bottom--the ones in white.

So I look for the VCR and find it after about ten minutes. Takes longer to find the damned piece of tape
than it did the VCR. Mister hobo wasn't lying when he said it blends in. I finally found it and peeled it off.
It was then that I knew what he meant by, 'the ones in white.' There were four different instructions on there all written in different colors like this was intended for more than one person or something.

My instructions were at the bottom of the list.

I was pretty pissed when I read them: 'press play'. Honestly, f***in hobo coulda said that on the phone. Anyway, I plugged the piece of junk into the wall and pressed play.

All of a sudden I hear this faint scratchin noise comin from the VCR. I pushed open the flap to see what it was and instead of a tape I see a f***in bomb. There's a little counter on there says seven seconds, so I book it outta my house counting down the time in my head.

6 - flyin for the hallway

5 - burst into the hallway

4 - see the door

3 - reach for the handle

2 - jiggle the handle

1 - throw open the door

0 - get thrown onto my lawn by a shockwave and everything goes black. Next thing I know I'm sittin' in here with you Mr. Talone, and that' why I don't got your money."